Vanessa Trump to Donald Trump Jr.: Your Dad is Retarded!
Well, folks, it looks like love is well and truly dead.
You might object that your own marriage is still thriving, or you witnessed an act of kindness that inspired hope this morning, but we’re here to tell you it’s all over.
After all, if these crazy kids can’t make it work, what hope do the rest of us have?
Yes, back in late 2017, Donald Trump Jr. filed for divorce from his wife of 13 years, Vanessa Trump.
Obviously, this was a shameful scandal for his family to endure.
You see, Don Jr. is 41, and this is his first divorce! The shame!
Junior moved on quickly, of course — these days he’s dating Kimberly Guilfoyle of Fox News fame.
In fact, there have been reports that Trump and Guilfoyle are engaged!
That may be why DTJ is suddenly in a big hurry to finalize his divorce.
Whatever the case, Don Jr. and Vanessa issued a statement today revealing that their marriage is officially a thing of the past.
“We finalized our agreement at the end of last year,” the couple revealed.
“We are incredibly lucky to have five amazing children and are committed to raising them together. Our kids and their happiness will always be our first priority.”
The sad news involving Don and Vanessa’s split has prompted many to recall the manner in which the couple first met.
Vanity Fair even republished an interview in which Vanessa recalled that she and Don Jr. met several times before either rememebered the other:
“We talked for an hour,” she recalled.
“Then suddenly, something clicked: Wait, you were at that fashion show. Wait, you’re . . . “the one with the retarded dad!”
Make of that story what you will.
Insiders have floated numerous possible causes for the couple’s decision to split.
Apparently, Vanessa thought that Don Jr. was cheap, and she really wasn’t a fan of his decision to have an affair with Aubrey O’Day.
Or at the very least, she wishes said affair had remained a secret from the public.
It was right around the time O’Day decided to start talking about the affair that Vanessa began getting antsy in her marriage.
Of course, in all likelihood, Don Jr. was never gonna be able to keep her satisfied in the long term.
This is a woman who once cheated on her gang-banger boyfriend with Leonardo DiCaprio.
She needs excitement, not some chinless dweeb angrily hammering out reply tweets on his Blackberry.
Speaking of tweets, based on DTJ’s latest communique, it seems all is well in Trump Town.
“Hilarious watching Ds scramble as their precious COLLUSION! narrative dies a slow, painful (hilarious) death. Meanwhile Trump is working to denuclearize the Korean Peninsula & keep our economy humming,” Don Jr. wrote today.
“DC Dems could join in & #MAGA, but they hate Trump more than they love America
Is it just us, or is it weird that he calls his dad Trump?
We’re not sure what else he should call him but … Trump? That’s weird, right?