Kansas Man’s “Need to Defecate” Hilariously Mistaken For Bomb Threat
They say no good deed goes unpunished.
A Kansas man learned that lesson the hard way this week when his honorable warning to his fellow HomeDepot customers was mistaken as a dangerous bomb threat.
According to police, the unidentified man informed other bathroom users that he desperately needed to, um … liquidate some lumber.
Unfortunately, a poor choice of words and some confusion over common fecal slang led to a very messy situation.
A police report from the incident indicates that the entire store was evacuated when the man was overheard remarking:
“You all need to get out of here because I’m fixin’ to blow it up.”
According to a witness, two patrons laughed, because they understood the man “was in a serious need to defecate, and that he was attempting to provide a polite warning to the other patrons of the bathroom.
But a third shopper clearly wasn’t in on the joke.
A 911 call from a Home Depot employee reveals that at least one customer mistakenly believed the man was planning to drop a literal bomb.
“We just had a customer here made what may have been a bomb threat,” the caller said.
“He said, uh, somebody told me there’s a bomb in here and you need to leave the building. He said it three times.”
We’re not sure why anyone thought an actual bomber would announce his intentions to his potential victims, but police were quick to evacuate everyone in the store, including one man who was “standing at a urinal” at the time of the incident.
Fortunately, someone eventually explained to police that the bathroom bomber “meant a bowel movement” and was not referring to an actual explosive device.
Unless he had recently eaten Taco Bell, in which case there’s no telling what might have happened.
On Twitter, the story elicited much laughter and the use of many smiling poop emojis.
These are very touchy times. Instead of threatening to blow up a place with a bowel movement, just do it,” tweeted Ira Kutis.
Obviously, that’s great advice.
If you follow every time you deuce in the Depot. it should ensure that the only thing being evacuated will be your colon.
Interestingly, it seems that Home Depot bathrooms are frequently witness to LOL-worthy chicanery.
In 2013, a woman somehow Superglued herself to a toilet inside the store.
Okay, we guess there are only two wacky Home Depot bathroom stories that made national headlines.
But hey, that’s twice as many as Lowe’s!
That may sound like a condemnation, but actually, it’s an endorsement.
Who doesn’t like a little bathroom humor when they’re shopping for a new plunger?