Beyonce Is an Evil, Kitten-Murdering Witch, Former Drummer Claims
Beyonce has been called a lot of things over the course of her career — a legend, an icon, a tasty hors-d’oeuvre for D-list actresses …
But now, it seems Queen Bey can add yet another accolade to her long list of honors — all-powerful witch goddess.
That’s the strange claim made in court documents filed by Kimberly Thompson, a former drummer for Beyonce who now wants a restraining order against the singer.
In the filing, which was first obtained by The Blast and later verified by Pitchfork, Thompson requests protection from Bey, claiming that her former boss has been known to use “extreme witchcraft” and “magic spells of sexual molestation.”
We assume “extreme witchcraft” is when you cast spells while bungee-jumping or something.
Believe it or not, Thompson’s claims get even more bonkers from there.
The drummer says that during her seven years working with Bey, the pop legend manipulated her finances with witchcraft and even “murdered” her kitten.
Kimberly didn’t go into any detail on that latter claim, so we don’t know if Beyonce hit the kitten with an avada kedavra spell, or simply dashed its head on a rock the old-fashioned way.
Thompson is a highly-respected musician, and in addition to her time with Beyonce, she’s released several albums and performed with the Late Night With Seth Meyers house band.
That may be why her restraining order petition sounds like something from a rambling Fred Armisen improv.
Not surprisingly, Thompson’s request was declined, probably because judges are pretty much always skeptical about claims of supernatural activity, right until a couple ghosts they sentenced to the electric chair come bursting into the courtroom, a la Ghostbusters 2.
Unless that happens, we’re guessing Thompson’s complaints will remain unacknowledged by our legal system.
All kidding aside, a note to the Bey Hive:
We know you’re angry that Thompson attempted to besmirch your queen’s legacy, but please do not attack this woman on social media.
Our guess is that she’s suffering from some sort of mental illness or is at least going through a very difficult time, and threatening emojis from 100,000 strangers probably won’t help her condition.