Married at First Sight Recap: Can We F-ck Now or What?!?
Six strangers got married on television on Tuesday night.
And millions of viewers thought it was totally normal.
Welcome to the Season 7 premiere of Lifetime’s Married at First Sight!
The concept of this unique program is right there in the title, as three Dallas-based couples came together on this opening episode to say “I Do,” despite having never laid eyes on each other before.
But this didn’t stop one twosome from wanting to get laid pretty much right away.
Isn’t that right, Dave Flaherty and Amber Martorana?
A 36-year old Division Order Analyst and 37-year old portfolio manager, both Amber and Dave had similar “lifestyle and lifetime goals,” according to the show.
They’re each very into routines and each want to start a family sooner than later.
Granted, Amber threw up at her bachelorette party… but she was excited on her wedding day to meet the man she was all set up to wed.
“This is easily one of the most intense moments of my life,” David said on his big day, relieved to find Amber very attractive — and shocked to learn they belonged to the same gym.
She said “one of the worst guys (she has) dated” attends that gym, and it would be “embarrassing” for Dave to find out.
The newlyweds totally wanted to bone right away, too, although Amber had promised her mom she wouldn’t French Kiss her new husband at the ceremony.
Still, they both were eager to get back to their suite and have sex for the first time.
As for Danielle Bergman and Bobby Dodd?
The former wanted a southern gentleman in the market for a wife and a family and a chance to settle down.
Who doesn’t, right?!?
Dodd’s family was in support of this strange union, but Danielle’s family was far more hesitant, with her mom refusing to even go wedding dress shopping with her daughter.
Thankfully, however, she showed up for the wedding.
“I just feel so relieved,” Danielle said when her mom walked in for the event. “I can finally be excited about the most important day of my life.”
Fitting right into that gentleman mode, Dodd made a point of stopping on his way down the aisle and greeting everyone on Danielle’s side, particularly her mom.
“I got my southern gentleman,” Danielle said. “I am very, very happy.”
And Bobby was psyched as well, most notably when he got to kiss his wife for the first time at the altar.
“It was the best kiss I ever had,” he said.
And these two also wanted to head straight to Pound Town, as Danielle told viewers she got a bikini wax for the occasion.
“It’s not wrong if you’re married,” she joked.
Finally, we move on to Mia Bally and Tristan Thompson.
No, not that Tristan Thompson.
Both Mia and Tristan were deeply faithful and very good looking people, hence the idea that they would hit it off.
Not that Bally’s loved ones were on board at all.
“I don’t really feel good about the process, I think it’s crazy,” Mia’s sister said during Bally’s bachelorette party, adding:
“What if you don’t like each other, you don’t get along, he doesn’t want to work it out? I’m going to support you regardless…
I just don’t want you to get f-ced over. I don’t want you to get your heart broken again! It sucks, and you know that!”
Still, Mia’s family wasin attendance for the wedding.
During the ceremony, Tristan was excited to learn his wife was a fan of the Dallas Cowboys.
The newlyweds then exchanged heartfelt vows, but when Tristan tried to kiss her, she made him give her a peck on the cheek instead of anything on the lips.
“She didn’t kiss him. I don’t like that,” Tristan’s uncle said in response.
But Mia later insisted to the camera that she was just trying to go slow… because she really wanted to go fast and knew that could be dangerous.
“He seems like a dream so far,” she said. “I feel that we would make cute babies … that’s for sure.”
Following the nuptials, both husband and wife calmed down a bit, while Mia’s dad warned his new son-in-law not to pork his daughter on their wedding night.
Nevertheless: “Dude, God is real. Oh my God, she is amazing,” Tristan said when everything was over.