Tiffany Haddish: Watch Her Roast Kris Jenner, Thirst After Chris Pratt!
We already know who won big at the MTV Movie & TV Awards. But there was more going on than awards, folks.
Tiffany Haddish was the hilarious host, and she had some great lines as she roasted everyone from the Kardashians to the Stranger Things kids. It's funny.
You might not trust her around food after this, though. Take a look.
Tiffany Haddish is quite a character. Some of her claims and analogies are a little weird, but they always get a laugh.
She starts off by talking about some racial milestones.
"This has been a year of firsts for black people," Haddish says. "I'm the first black woman to host the MTV Movie and TV Awards."
That particular milestone is long overdue.
"Black Panther," she mentions. "Is the first African American movie to make a billion dollars."
That was an excellent movie. One of Marvel's best, in fact.
"And The Quiet Place," Haddish continues. "Is the first film to scare black people out of talking in movie theaters."
She is making a joke, there, about a stereotype that portrays African Americans as vocally engaging with films as they are happening.
"I'm always excited to see the Kardashians."
"Hiiii," Haddish says, waving at Kim Kardashian, who is wearing problematic braids, and Kris Jenner, whose commanding presence is always welcome.
"That family," Haddish continues. "Is basically the Star Wars franchise."
That's true in lots of senses. They're successful, they're an institution in the entertainment industry, and they can also be very controversial. Also not everyone likes them.
"They make a ton of money, a new one is always popping up, and they’re ruled by a bossy overlord who sleeps in a mask and she loves black men."
Those first two are very true. The third, though?
First of all, Emperor Sheev Palpatine would be the "bossy overlord." I have personally made plenty of comparisons between Kris Jenner and Palpatine — all favorable, of course.
Sleeping in a mask sounds like a reference to Darth Vader (or maybe to Kylo Ren, though he hopefully doesn't sleep in that ridiculous thing).
We're not prepared to rule out that either Palpatine or Darth Vader fetishized black male Humans, but that is certainly above and beyond the realm of Star Wars canon.
Plenty of people were scratching their heads. But hey, it was funny.
Haddish then turned her attention to another target.
"And you know who else I love?" Haddish asks. "Zendaya."
As the young people say, big mood.
"She taught me how to model," the host informs the audience.
"She taught me how to model," she repeats. "And I taught her how to grapefruit."
If you're fortunate enough to not be aware, to grapefruit involves slicing a grapefruit ring and using it as an improvised sex toy to enhance the experience while performing fellatio.
(Please don't do this; it's a terrible idea, particularly if it is followed by sex, where the fruit juices could ruin a vagina's pH balance)
"What?!" Haddish says in a mock-defensive tone. "She's 21, now. She's a grown woman."
That she is. This joke would not be funny, otherwise. But it is very funny.
"You gotta know how to do that if you want a husband," Haddish explains.
She also has other celebrity guests on her mind.
"Seth Rogen is here," Haddish announces.
Seth, we should note, is sporting a full beard.
"I like you, Seth," Haddish says. "You're my favorite bearded white man since Abraham Lincoln."
That's cute. And then she moves on.
"The Jonas Brother is here," Haddish announces, to great applause.
She is referring, of course, to Nick. He is famously attractive and the entire audience immediately steels themselves for whatever sex joke she will inevitably make.
"Nick Jonas is going to tear it up with Mustard," Haddish says, referring to the musician beside Nick. "Which is also how I want him to tear it up with me."
While we appreciate her enthusiasm for Nick, we wouldn't recommend involving mustard in sex. That would be worse than grapefruit.
Haddish also talked about Riverdale.
"Apparently, Betty dates Jughead because he's named after his penis."
(To be honest, that was a reminder to me that actual teens watch Riverdale; everyone I know who talks about it is well into their twenties, at least)
She also had thirst for more audience members than just Nick Jonas.
"I get to flirt with Chris Pratt from Parks and Recreation," Haddish brags. "And Chris Pratt from Guardians of the Galaxy!"
"Hey Chris," she says. "I've got a galaxy you can guard."
It's not subtle.
Honestly, it was much funnier when she was trying to bang Leonardo DiCaprio.