Kid Rock: F–k No, I’m Not Running for Senate!
Great leaders rise, often from humble beginnings, to lead their communities and their nations to ever greater heights. But one day, they’re forced to step out of the spotlight. Sometimes, they retire sooner than we’d like.
And then there’s Kid Rock and … whatever he’s actually been doing this year.
Because he’s announced an update on his plans to run for Senate, but the language that he used was much, much more colorful.
2016 was nuts in a surreal way. Like the year was somehow cursed and nothing made sense anymore.
2017 is nuts, in that we’re all living with the consequences of all of history but especially of 2016.
Kid Rock announcing his plans to run for Senate would have been totally bonkers at any point in the past.
But now that there’s a deranged reality star sitting in the Oval Office, anything can happen.
In fact, it seemed that Kid Rock might have been inspired to make that announcement after spending time palling around with Trump, Ted Nugent, and Sarah Palin in the White House.
(Honestly, whoever gets elected next is going to need to have that whole place cleaned. Like, spiritually. Burn some sage, have a member of every different faith come by an perform a blessing, whatever)
Kid Rock didn’t stop at announcing his plans to run for Senate, however.
He launched an actual website, effectively a declaration of game on, motherf–kers.
The website wasn’t much, just some products like Kid Rock for Senate shirts that you could buy.
Oh, and some lawn signs that you could by. (Honestly, they could make for some great Halloween decorations)
But either Kid Rock realized that being in government is actual work (well, for everyone except the Golfer in Chief who goes on vacations every week) or he realized that there wasn’t enough un-ironic support for him to go to DC, because …
In an interview with Howard Stern, Kid Rock shot down claims — which he himself had made — that he was planning a Senate run.
“F–k no, I’m not running for Senate,” he said, as if offended that anyone would take him at his word.
“Like who the f–k couldn’t figure that out?”
He hadn’t filed the necessary paperwork, but … this is a guy who associates with the likes of Trump and Sarah Palin. No one actually expected him to know anything about government work.
But that didn’t mean that no one took him at his word.
Kid Rock did share what he’s planning on doing instead:
“I’m releasing a new album. I’m going on tour, too.”
That’s almost as bad as Kid Rock in the Senate, but … most of us won’t actually have to suffer through his concerts.
As to why he went so far as to havea website and stupid merchandise?
“Since someone said I was going to run for Senate in Michigan, I was like, ’F–k it, let’s get some signs made.’”
“I have people that work for me, that are in the in, and I’m like, ‘F–k no, we’re not doing it, but let’s roll with it for a little while. This is awesome.”
But that long national nightmare is at last behind us.
There are other, bigger national nightmares that are still ongoing, however.
It’s worth noting that Kid Rock shared some of his keen political insight about the New York Times.
“It’s a little bit gay.”
We don’t think that he was quoting Honey Boo-Boo, and Howard Stern asked him to clarify, which he did.
“They have a narrative of a left-wing agenda.”
They don’t, and we wish that we could say that Kid Rock’s 1995-era use of the word “gay” as an insult were a surprise.
But nothing is a surprise anymore. It’s 2017 and all that lives wails in despair as the universe slowly succumbs to entropy’s callous embrace.