Eric Trump Expecting First Child
Trump news is everywhere these days, and it’s not all about the Donald.
Daughter Ivanka continues to serve as a de facto first lady, which is profoundly creepy on so, so many levels.
Son Donald, Jr. is still competing for Don, Sr.’s attention by posing for unintentionally hilarious “pensive woodsman” photos.
Even Tiffany Trump is whining about getting bullied at fashion week events, thus carrying on the proud family legacy of having delicate little feelings and being eternally in search of a safe space.
Hell, 11-year-old Barron is doing his part by moving into the White House and saving taxpayers the expense of paying the Secret Service to block up Midtown Manhattan all day.
But what about Donald’s middle son?
You know – the pasty one who always looks like he just disposed of a bloodless hooker corpse with two fang marks on the neck.
Well, it seem Eric has been busy in his own right …
People magazine is reporting today that Eric and Lara Trump are expecting their first child.
Here’s the part where we avoid making a joke about how Eric’s long absence might be explained by the amount of time it took him to convince his wife that Eric Trump is a person someone might want to have sex with.
The effort is really killing us here, guys.
We hope you appreciate it.
Anyway, the couple confirmed the news in a statement to People magazine, and added that they’re experiencing genuine and not-at-all-rehearsed hu-man emotions about the idea of welcoming a baby boy.
“Eric’s going to be an amazing dad,” Lara says. “The nieces and nephews love hanging with him. He’s the cool uncle. He’s watched Frozen many times.”
Lara goes on to say that she’s experiencing some fatigue, but assures you it’s not because she’s some low-energy Jeb Bush-type:
“I was exhausted in the beginning,” Lara tells the magazine.
“It surprised me, because I’m a very active person, and until the fatigue hit, I didn’t believe it would actually happen to me,” she says. “It really affected me. But I’m feeling really good now.”
As for a name – well, like your basic civil liberties under the Trump administration, that’s very much up in the air:
“We really loved the name Charlie, but we’d already named our dog that, so it’s out,” Eric says.
In related news, we assume Eric has just been handed a large trophy for the honor Whitest Sentence Ever Uttered.