Kate Middleton: Pregnant! Gaunt! About to Be Queen!
Kate Middleton is apparently a very busy woman these days.
If a pair of tabloid cover stories are to be believed, the Royal beauty is preparing to have a child… while making a point not to eat… while also getting ready to be crowned Queen of England.
Where did she even find the time to comment on Brangelina?!?
For the fifth time this year, Life & Style has published a cover story that claims Middleton is pregnant.
But this one is different than the previous four cover stories on the same subject because it also alleges that Middleton is painfully skinny.
There’s a made-up twist we didn’t see coming!
“Despite her shockingly thin appearance, Kate Middleton can’t hide her joy at welcoming a third child with Prince William,” reads the article, stating very simply for the record:
“The 34-year-old is expecting baby No. 3.”
However, while “Kate has told her family about the pregnancy” and while the “Middletons are thrilled,” the publication also explains why some that are close to Middleton have “expressed concern.’
See, Kate is “super slender,” Life & Style writes, hilariously quoting a so-called “medical expert” who has never met Middleton… yet who claims “she’s about 90 pounds.”
William is very worried.
He’s supposedly called in top medical experts” because “he feels like Kate is all skin and bones and has no energy.”
“With George and Charlotte, she’d vomit up to 20 times a day, and this pregnancy is no different,” the anonymous insider says.
“At the moment, she’s barely eating anything because just the thought of food makes her nauseous.”
That’s too bad. We really hope she feels better soon!
Especially because there’s evidently a pretty major ceremony in which she’ll play a key role.
For the third time this year, OK! Weekly has written that Queen Elizabeth is leaving the throne, which means her grandson is taking over the monarch.
How exciting! (And false, but whatever.)
Inside the pages of this tabloid, the story reads as follows:
“At 90, Queen Elizabeth has finally decided to give up the crown. But in a surprise move, she’s planning to pass it straight to Prince William!”
It’s said the queen will “step down from the throne early next year,” and this is especially “extraordinary” because “she’s arranged for the crown to skip over the next in line, Prince Charles, in favor of his son.”
How scandalous! (And, again, false. But whatever.)
When and where will the coronation take place?
Next summer in Westminster Abbey.
Surprised by the development? You aren’t alone!
“No one was more shocked than William and Kate,” a totally real person told the magazine. “They didn’t think they’d become king and queen for another 30 years.”
The cost? At least $ 100 million.
Who will be there? Who won’t be there?!?
“Everyone from President Obama to the Pope” to Elton John to Angelina Jolie to David and Victoria Beckham are cited in the article.
So Middleton better hurry up and have that fake baby. She has a fake coronation to plan for!
(And don’t even get us started on the
fact lie that Pippa Middleton is pregnant, too. What a busy time for the family!)